There is a Sarah Palin Sex Doll! This Babe is for You!

This is too good to be true. Oh the jokes and lame suggestive statements I can make here. Why am I the last to know? For those of you who still do not know, here is the news. There is a Sarah Palin sex doll that states clearly on the box, "This is not a Sarah Palin blow up Doll." No, it's the real thing! Just kidding, I guess.

The doll has many conveniences over the real thing. She doesn't make stupid statements. She cannot see Russia. She does not try to read everything in front of her. She doesn't require a $150,000.00 wardrobe to get her through a few months. Her IQ is much higher than the real thing and she's no quitter. I consider her a vast improvement over Campaign Sarah and Governor Sarah. Snicker here, ladies.

This tickles me to no end to think some pervert will buy one. Somebody buy one, please, and tell me about it! I am that sick or in need of a good laugh. I've never actually seen a real blow up doll, but we have all heard stories. I cannot imagine who will buy this. Certainly not Democrats. So Republicans, this babe is for you!

Think about it! There must be a market. Did Rush get one? Probably not, he'd pop it in a second, or maybe, he already did. Did Bush? Nah, Laura would not let him. What about Glenn Beck? We know Crybaby Glenn has her out for the holidays. That much hot air blowing her up would cause her to rise off the bed like a banshee. Scary. Imagine Beck here and a banshee. Laugh quietly so that no one knows what you are reading. He could even dress her in Neiman Marcus lingerie. Only the best will do for their Sara. What about O' Reilly? Another great match.

Once you inflate her, do you let her stay up permanently? Can you use her as a flotation device? I imagine she would be a lot of fun at pool parties. So in order to find the new "This is Not a Sarah Palin Sex Doll", sneak a peek over the fence and look in a Republican's back yard. It is in the swimming pool.

I am beginning to like it more and more the idea of blow up political figures. Personally I would like to think Caribou Barbie doll could find happiness with a blow up former governor of Ilinois, Rod Blagojevich, who refused to quit, blow-up doll. Please tell me there is a Blagojevich doll. Just think of the little plastic babies. They'd never stop talking and have way too much hair. Think of the assinine remarks they could make.

Real Blagojevich and the real Palin would make a lovely couple. He could do his wheelin' and dealin' and Palin could be packing heat for protection. Anyone spies, he dies. Nobody would catch them doing anything!

I like the idea of those two together. It would be a marriage made in hell. Perfect! Graft, corruption, guns, money, hair and sex. You couldn't make up anything better. They could bungee jump off the big Jesus in Rio, barbecue Olbermann over Labor Day, roast Maddow for Thanksgicing, and have all sorts of exciting fun. I implore both of you, for the sake of humor, leave your spouses and hook up. I will even be responsible for a fund to convince you two to do it. Bogie and Bacall it ain't, but at least it's funny.

If you would like to add your own jokes about Sarah and/or Rod, please feel free to do so or if you would like to contribute to the Rod and Sarah hook up fund, I accept cash. Surely I am not the only one who thinks this is hilarious.

In 1,132 days, the World Will End.

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As a frequent reader of the really weird news and follower of lunatic cults, I think I can guarantee beyond all doubt, the world will end December 21,2012, at 12:21 pm. I even assigned the exact time. I am a seer. I foresaw the assassination of JFK, the fall of the Berlin Wall, the failure of Beanie Babies futures, that New Coke was a dud, and Bush would go to war in the Middle East. In all fairness, I have to admit it was at least 30 years after the fact when I saw Oliver Stone's movie, "JFK". But I still foresaw it. My timing was just a little off. The rest is almost true and some of it was a no brainer.

I don't agree with all that solar and lunar line up crap, it has to do with numbers. 12/21/2012. Why do all those numbers have 1,2,0? They are the devil's numbers, that's why. All this could have been avoided if we had added a 13th month. There are thirteen lunar cycles in a year and we could have had 13 months of 28 days one left over for good luck that we don't count. It could and should have been a National, no Universal Holiday (to hell with the other planets and their holidays). After the 13th month and before the first month of the new year, we could have "Happy 365th Day!" BUT NO! Somebody had to go mucking with the calendars and assign 12 months with random numbers of days per month. Who the hell's idea was that, anyway?

I don't quite understand the logic there. Simply look at 1,2,0. These numbers are inherently evil. They can't help it. Look at 1st,2nd,10th,11th, and 12th months. They are January, February, October, November and December. These are mean months. They are cold months. They are not nice and friendly like the 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th,7th 8th , and 9th months (March, April, May June July August and September). JFK died in the 11th month. Coincidence, I don't think so? Winter comes in December, coincidence again? The end of the world comes 12/21/2010. You head is full of glue if you are not scared by now!

Everything dies in winter. I suppose you think that is a coincidence too. These months are also flu season, too. Another coincidence? No plant life except evergreens survive these killing months. The ancient calendar makers did not know about evergreeens. That's why we use them as Christmas trees. That was a holy plan.

Why do we allow a new day to start at 12:00? Who's idea was that? It's those evil numbers again. It should start at 24 o'clock. Who said we divide the days into two sets of twelve. (note the "2" sets of "12" hours). Now, that's crazy or evil or the devils work. What about that daylight savings time? We set the clocks "1" hour ahead and fall "1" hour back. See the pattern developing with the 1's here. Pure unadulterated evil!

All this 1,2,0 crap might have been the work of a few crazy, ancient Mayans who made calendars for hundreds of years in advance. Were they afraid they would forget Aunt Martha's 984th birthday? You don't have to make a calendar hundreds of years in advance. I won't use that creepy calendar. I use the Irish Leprechaun Calendar. It is reliable, has lucky days, and good drinking days marked well in advance so that you have no need for a horoscope. I am Irish so I can say that.

I called a calendar manufacturer and asked them which days were lucky and good for drinking. They did not know. And they call themselves calendar manufacturers! I asked them to send me a calendar for 2089. You won't believe this! They did not have one, not a single one. It's because they know the world ends in 2012. These people are not stupid.

There are but three hopes for humanity and I doubt we can get everyone to go along with either.

One solution is: If we changed the numbers 1,2,0,11,12,10 to abstract signs like those symbols that the artist formerly know as Prince uses, we could solve the problem. All the months would be nice and friendly. We couldn't pronounce them but they would be nice months.

Solution 2: Use the Irish Leprechaun Calendar. We need all the lucky days and drinking days we can get. It makes a hell of a lot more sense than that creepy Mayan Calendar, who are a devil's cult and trying to kill us off thousands of years later.

Solution3: Use 13 months and 28 days per month and "Happy 365 Day" which is very similar to the Irish Leprechaun Calendar.

There are several things we should do to plan for the end. I plan to get my hair cut and highlighted 12/20/2010, charge a beautiful new oufit, shoes, and jewelry. I plan on drinking, eating high cholestrol foods and living like there is no tomorrow. It could be quite liberating.

Now that I have argued that point, I will counterpoint. It is a f$#@ing calendar. Calendars do not make predicitions. They have no psychic ability. They are measuring devices for scheduling. A yard stick ends at 36 inches. Run for your lives! Anyone taller than 3 feet will be considered closer to death. December 21 was the end of the Mayan Year. What other time would you end a calendar? As far as making calendars ahead of time, they did it for several hundred hundred years. That is enough. Larry, the Mayan calendar maker thought he had done it far enough in advance. If you looked at a friend's calendar and saw they made it up until their birthday, would you assume the world ends on their birthday? If you believe the world will end December 21, 2012, you probably would believe that, too.

I do not know how to tell you folks, this but do you know what follows December 21,2010? December 22, 2010 and so on up until 3038 when the world really ends. I am sticking around until then to say, I told you so!

How To Get Out of Hell Free

What is a Get out of Hell Free Card? Aren't we all looking for this? Haven't we all have done something we feel sure will land us a hot seat in hell, something where we violated a trust or confidence that contaminated our soul? We walk the world somberly awaiting our fate. What can be done about it? Do we get a second chance? The answer is "Hell yes, we do".

In Monopoly, there is a Get out of Jail Free Card. It may be used at the player's discretion when he/she gets in a bind. No punishment, just instant freedom, like salvation served from a microwave. A Get Out of Hell Free is a card given for doing an outstanding, righteous, good deed. Saving a life worthy of saving, committing to the sick, making a difference to someone that will be eternal are all worthy of the Card. Keeping a promise made to someone in the afterlife is deserving of a Get Out of Hell Free Card. It will get you out of Hell free. It is a one time deal!

The card may be used at the point of entry to Hell. When presented to the gate keeper, do not pass go. You are directly whisked to Heaven to have your credentials reviewed. If it is determined your card is valid and given for a selfless act, you will be given a seat in Heaven. Collect as many as possible in case the first one turns out to be invalid.

To find out more about the amazing cards and to be considered, please send your comment to this location and a description of your deed to determine if you should get out of Hell free. Liars who feign righteousness will certainly go to Hell. In other words, Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin do not qualify. If someone applies and receives this valuable card for nefarious reasons, a seat over the roasting pit is your eternal reward. If you end up there, say "Hah!" to Dick Cheney.

Once these cards are distributed please keep in a safe location. They are not transferable. There is no interest and it is good for eternity. You may use yours to argue a case for someone less noble which could cause you to receive another card. Here, no good deed goes unrewarded.

Giant Crack in Africa Will Create a New Ocean -See Giant Crack That Did It

Y'all ain't gonna believe this $h!t! It is for real. A giant crack in Africa will create a new ocean. "A 35-mile rift in Ethiopia will likely become a new ocean eventually, researchers now confirm." This is an exact quote and note the use of the word "confirm". That means it's true!

I think we see the crack responsible! Who knew you could do that? I have seen bigger bums that that, but they were covered. For that I am quite thankful. It lends new meaning to "Thanksgiving". None of these larger "cracks" ceated oceans. Would't the bladder be responsible for that?

This is some weird activity going on here. This crack is 20 feet at the widest location. (I knew it was big but it didn't look that big.) Since it's first appearance in 2005 (call me crazy but I think it goes back farther than that), "some geologists believed then that it would spawn a new ocean." The rift has not been intensely studied (something else to be thankful for). You would think a giant crack like that could spawn some terrible things, but an ocean was not one of the choices I had in mind.

A new study among an international team of scientist, indicates a sea is in the future for this area. It is nearly the same as what goes on at the bottom of the ocean. The same rift activity is slowly parting the Red Sea. Holy Moses, we have got to stop this.

This is pretty graphic right here so don't let the kids read this. I will use exact quotes once again with selective parts left out to make it more amusing. "The rift tore open along its entire 35-mile length in just days. Then magma pushed up through the middle of the rift area and began "unzipping" the rift in both directions, the researchers explained in a statement today." Please don't let there be any more unzipping. How do we zip that thing back up?

"Such sudden large-scale events on land pose a much more serious hazard to populations living near the rift than would several smaller events" No kidding. With a crack like that, you folks better run for your life.

"The whole point of this study is to learn whether what is happening in Ethiopia is like what is happening at the bottom of the ocean where it's almost impossible for us to go," "We knew that if we could establish that, then Ethiopia would essentially be a unique and superb ocean-ridge laboratory for us. Because of the unprecedented cross-border association behind this research, we now know that the answer is yes, it is analogous." Do not snicker about the "bottom of the ocean and "anal"agous or "ass"ociation behind the research. I think this is a cryptic message.

We need to do the right thing and rid the world of this Ethipioian crack.

Bob Dylan's Christmas (?) CD - Christmas in the Heart

I think I am having flashbacks again. If I am not, I am very pleased to announce that there is, for real, a Bob Dylan Christmas CD, "Christmas In the Heart" due out next month. Get the kids and sleeping bags ready now, and find your place in line. Avoid the stampede.

I can't just make this CD bullshit up for my own amusement. This is real news! Big news! A new Bob Dylan CD! Well, actually, I do make a lot of it up, but this is true, I swear. I got this information from a highly reliable source, Rick's Facebook page. I checked it out myself. I heard it with my own eyes. (Yeah, it shook me up that bad!)

Go to the address below for a free sampling: http://www.tower.com/christmas-in-heart-bob-dylan-cd/wapi/113833021

Bob Dylan singing Christmas carols? This is not real. I must be having flashbacks again.

I have always been a fan of Bob Dylan. He sang some of the finest songs ever recorded and is the uncrowned leader of a generation. Bob Dylan never sought nor claimed the crown, but he was and is the unofficial king. His intentions with this CD are quite honorable. All proceeds from the sale of this CD will go to charity, to feed the hungry. Could there be a more noble cause? But I wouldn't count those bellies too full too fast.

The best of intentions do not always work out. I offered to help Sarah Palin market the "Sarah Palin Inflatable Sex Doll", but it only got laughs, no cash. You can't put that in the bank.

I have no problem with the fact Bob Dylan is Jewish singing Christmas carols. It is a merry season; "the more, the..." well, you know the rest. One of the Christmas favorites of all time, "White Christmas" was written by Jewish composer, Irving Berlin. Thank you, Irving Berlin. But Bob Dylan's voice and joyous Christmas carols go together like a bottle of wine and barbed wire. You just don't quite get the connection right away. Really! And it isn't just me.

I listened again. Oh hell, it ain't the flashbacks. This is real. "Oh, the humanity."

I love Bob Dylan, and I have for years. I bought albums, yes, vinyl albums, of his music. I still enjoy "Subterranean Homesick Blues." Who can find fault with "Just Like a Woman", "Knocking on Heaven's Door", "Blowin' In the Wind" or "Lay, Lady, Lay"? But Christmas and Dylan? Who thought of this? Are Bill and Ted collaborating again? It would explain so much that has been happening in the world.

As a counter offer to Bob Dylan's "Christmas In the Heart" CD, my friends Rick, Sandy, Kinky Friedman, and I are forming our own band and will also release a CD, "Christmas In the Head". We will do a version of us doing Bob Dylan doing Christmas Carols. Since Bob Dylan is Jewish, we thought it appropriate to add in a couple of Jewish folks like Sandy and Kinky. Since we will be half Jew, half Christian, we will try to cover all the holidays in both religions and get paid time off for us, as well. We will call ourselves, "The Opportunists".

Sandy can't sing; neither can I, I don't know about Rick, but hey, as soon as we get Kinky signed on, we'll be on fire. We will guarantee to brighten up your Christmas season without all that eggnog and rum. On second thought, we might sound better with the rum, lots of rum. Better get a few bottles. Our proceeds won't go to charity but we will make a donation to Kinky Friedman's run for governor of Texas. As an added bonus, we will throw in Kinky Friedman's classic, "They Don't Make Jews Like Jesus Anymore" just as soon as Kinky says it's okay.

All together now, "Jingle Beelllsss, Jingle Belllls, jingle alll th waaayyy." You're getting the hang of this aren't you? Try singing it in private the first time, and you'll be able to join our band in 25-30 minutes.

Seriously folks, after listening a few times, it is like all of Dylan's music, you have to develop an ear for it. I have listened so much that I have found I am liking it, for real! His rugged voice and vocal rhythms do complement these Christmas carols, and I am very serious. It is a noble cause and Bob Dylan will always hold a special place in my heart, so give his CD a shot. The good you do could help some hungry people. For those of us who enjoy Christmas, it is "in the heart". Bob Dylan has a fine heart for putting himself out there and exposing himself to ridicule from ignorant people like me. I love taking the cheap shots and low blows, but usually not to one of my own. Please buy the CD, Bob Dylan's "Christmas In the Heart".
"Singer or savior, it was his to choose
Which of us knows what was his to lose
Because idols are best when they're made of stone
A savior's a nuisance to live with at home
Stars often fall, heroes go unsung
And martyrs most certainly die too young"
The world is a better place because Bob Dylan passed through, and we were fortunate enough to see and hear him.

I still do not have the final go ahead from Kinky, so we hope to get our CD out in time for any holiday including Halloween 2010. Would Bob Dylan do Halloween? "Wheennnn you're straaannnggggge, nobody remembeeerrr's your naaamme..."